Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, September 2
.
Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.
.
And as always, please, no wagering.
.
Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)
.
While I continue to work from home, I won’t be in the office to accept mail-in entries. I’m afraid it’s electronic submissions only for now until further notice. I apologize for the inconvenience.
.
Last week’s cartoon was – the clown car. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – The cow and the fortune teller.
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WINNER
“I’m going to the store. Do we need any seltzer?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
.
RUNNERS-UP
“No, not a mini van, a many van.”
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
“It’s a beautiful model, but with the kids gone, I think we should down-size!”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“This is a midsize.”
Paul Davis
.
“20-21. What’s one more??”
Mebane Ham, Greensboro
.
“Stop clowning around and get in the car!”
Susan McAbee, Eden
.
“The gas mileage stinks, but it seats thirty comfortably.”
David Core, Greensboro
.
“Yea, this baby seats 42.”
Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ
.
“I still can’t pick up girls even in my new car. Is it my hair?”
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
“Room for one more?”
Kristi Wallace, Greensboro
.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)
“It’s made from recycled sardine cans.”
Bill Wallace
.
“The garage did a good job fixing the engine. You should hear all the funny noises it makes!”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“It’s very fool efficient.”
Tim Tribbett
.
TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.
“Just two clowns in a car isn’t funny.”
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
BEAT THE CARTOONIST
When I come up with a cartoon idea, I try to think of different captions that could go with it. Here’s one I came up with that are a bit different from the ones you sent in.
I’m your clown-Uber. Just climb in the back with the other 12.
.
THE REST
Clowns are protesting downtown. Wanna go?
Marcia Berger, GSO
.
No, not a mini van, a many van.
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
Stop clowning around and get in the car!
Susan McAbee, Eden
.
“Can I squeeze in there, I left my rabbit at home!”
Teresa Bean, Greensboro
.
I'm going to my bridge game, and I promised a ride to Betty, Delores, Anna, Jacqueline,
Irene, Sally, Wanda.....
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Jack Thornton
Now do you believe size matters?
.
What’s one more??
Mebane Ham, Greensboro
.
"The contortionist loaned us this while ours is in the shop."
"Don't laugh - I get 44 Bozos to the gallon."
"You're in the wrong profession, Paul Bunyan."
"You think this is bad? The knife-thrower got a dartboard."
"Management was serious about the budget cuts."
"We're going with 'It's a Small World' theme."
"Definitely no burritos before getting in."
"I'm Tom Thumb's chauffeur."
"We're scaling back the production this year."
"This is what happens when the low bidder gets the contract."
"It comes with a shoe-horn."
"I feel like a clown in this thing."
"You guys will be riding in a trailer."
"It's called the Sciatica Sedan."
Bill Wallace
.
Well, I'm off car shopping. I'm thinking of getting a Clown Victoria!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
You wanted a van? For us, this IS a van.
I'm going to the store. Do we need any seltzer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
.
I'm Not Cutting off My Legs so I Can Fit in that "Electric Clown Car"
Tim Staunton
.
"The Ringmaster had to rent his own tuxedo."
"How do you feel about sitting on top?"
"The human cannonball has been fired."
"The only thing that wasn't cut was ticket prices."
"It belonged to Billy Barty."
"A Munchkin only drove it to church."
"The odometer measures in yards."
"This IS the deluxe model."
"I hope you know a good chiropractor."
"It's made from recycled sardine cans."
"I'm going back to my unicycle."
"Instead of paying 15 clowns, they just got a smaller car."
Bill Wallace
.
“You can ride but promise there will be funny business.”
Tim Tribbett
.
This is the one- blue tooth connectivity, rearview camera, blind spot warning alarm, rear cross-traffic warning, and best of all, room for 56!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
It's a beautiful model, but with the kids gone, I think we should down-size!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
I got a ticket dear. I only had 24 in the car- one short of enough for the car lane.
Mike Perry, Eden
.
This car has historical significance. It was once a presidential limousine!
Mike Perry
.
The garage did a good job fixing the engine. You should hear all the funny noises it makes!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
1. I'll tell you, this car manufacturer knows NOTHING about horns.
2. I re-wired it so the headlights would do some serious squirting.
3. The big problem I have is getting my shoes on the pedals.
4. Yeah, a guy named Bozo sold it to me.
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
“What’s wrong? You don’t have a funny look on your face?”
Tim Tribbett
.
"Come in. There's always room for one more."
Harvey Herman, Greensboro
.
“Don’t be a Bozo, Vote and Vote Early!”
Deborah T. Donnell, Greensboro
.
Are we allowed to wear masks?
Peter Miller
.
Dear, this car is just too much. Now that the kids are gone, don't you think we should downsize?
Mike Perry, Eden
.
"Size does matter."
"There's not even room for my make-up kit."
"Get Ralph Nader on the phone!"
"This act will have to be solo."
"Uber's your best bet."
"You have to be this short to ride."
"My mom told me to never pick up strangers."
"How do I know you're not a serial killer?"
"That guy Gacy dressed up as a clown, too."
"I'll need to see some ID."
"It looked bigger in the showroom."
"The seating is so tight, you have to hit 'Eject' to get out."
Bill Wallace
.
1) "Does this car make me look fat?"
2) "Do you think this car makes me look fat?"
Larry Parrish, Leaksville
.
"One of our midgets went into car sales."
"Do Keto for a month and come back."
"It was Barbie's first car."
"Rickard's air-dancer convinced me to buy it."
"Her divorce lawyer was better than mine."
"Even our shoes are going to be down-sized!"
"It's the first car deliverable by Fed-Ex."
"Consumer Reports calls it the Smart Car's little brother."
"Herve Villechaize was the previous owner."
Bill Wallace
.
I won't be gone long. And when I get back, I'll slip into something more humorous!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Need a lift? I can always get one more clown in.
I generally get 10 clowns to the load.
I still can't pick up girls even in my new car. Is it my hair?
There's already 10 in here, we need one more.
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
" No problem. We put in a third seat! "
Jonathan Sparrow-Greensboro
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“It’s very fool efficient.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“I have one balloon payment left.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“You can fit in the fool tank.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“Yeah, another ticket. I have a heavy foot.”
Tim Tribbett
.
This virus is really hurting the clown car schtick!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“I’m on a fool’s errand.”
Tim Tribbett
.
I would offer you a ride, but there's 23 others in here already.
Quit clowning around and get in the car.
Laugh if you will, but it's paid for.
David Core, Greensboro.
.
Throw in a squirting flower, or endless handkerchief, and I'll take it.
The gas mileage stinks, but it seats thirty comfortably.
David Core, Greensboro
.
I'm going over to Gina's. I asked her to sew me a covid mask three weeks ago, and she just called and said it was done.
Mike Perry, Eden
.
The athletic bus broke down, so I volunteered to take the team to the football game!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Sorry we’re full.
Let me check with the other nine guys in here and we’ll get back to you.
We’re going to need WD-40 and a crow bar.
Don’t even think about it.
Just two clowns in a car isn’t funny.
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
This car is going to need a zipper.
Sorry my insurance won’t allow over-sized clowns.
Can you fold down to the size of a spare tire?
I don’t care what Mama said you can’t ride with me and my girlfriend.
Sorry you’re going to have to take the bus.
You can ride if you sit on top.
Mister this Uber is for small clowns only
See if the elephant trainer will give you a ride.
If I could peel the top off like sardine can, you might fit.
Sorry buddy, but this is a small clown town.
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
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The repairman called, so I'm off to pick up the refrigerator!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
"Cancel the ride sharing account, there's 15 in here already."
" Help me Tim ! I can think of Nothing funny about this cartoon,"
Gerald A. Smith, Greensboro
.
“ I’d trade those clown shoes for a good pair of walking shoes.”
“I’ll bring the foot powder. You might need it by the time you get there.”
“Can you spot me a $20 for gas?”
“ You might be able to catch a ride with the elephants!”
“It’s not the big top but it will do.”
“Sorry but I saved $20 on the compact.”
“Not much room but it gets good mileage.”
Rusty Morgan, Greensboro
.
Why am I leaving you? Why?? BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME DRIVE A BIGGER CAR!!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Not into social distancing? there's only eleven in here.
Rob Leggett, Madison
.
Yea, this baby seats 42.
Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ
.
C'mon there's always room for one more.
Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ
.
#1: "This is really hard, leaving home for the first time, to head off to Clown College!"
#2: "Sure! Come on in! We've got plenty of room!"
#3: "You know, if we ever get tired of clowning around, we could always become Shriners!"
#4: "My favorite football player is Jadeveon Clowney!"
#5: "You can't argue with the gas mileage I get!"
#6: "For the horn, I got the Harpo Marx special!"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point
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Oh good! You're here. Now you can help me put up the circus tent!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“I’m having a lot of trouble using the pedals with these shoes.”
“It’s a Laugh Rover.”
“No Saab story here.”
“I want a fun roof.”
Phil Valla, Greensboro
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I've never seen anyone so devoid of even an ounce of professionalism. Get in!
Mike Perry, Eden
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"Room for one more?"
"You look harmless, hop in"
"Stop clowning around and get in, we have 17 others to pick-up"
Kristi Wallace, Greensboro
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I'm leaving you, Bill. I prefer men who don't wear makeup!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
A funny thing happened at work today.
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Sorry, I'm full up. Covid rules only permits me to have 25 in the car at a time!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
I'm sorry, John, you're just so serious all the time. So I'm leaving you for a mushroom, and believe me- he's a real fungi!
Mike Perry, Eden
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1. This is a midsize.
2. Dad stop clowning around and get in the car.
3. We have room for 20 more, get in
4. En Fran?ais: Visage blanc! Je t’ai toujours vu couvert de tart!
5. Auf Deutsch: Wie ich immer sage…Est gibt nie au viel Rouge!
Paul Davis
.
“You should have seen the economy version.”
Tim Tribbett
.
Okay, one more time, That's 15 bags of dog food, 136 cans of oyster stew, 7 sides of beef,
22 gallons of milk, various sundries and a lollipop. Is that all?
Mike Perry, Eden
.
THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding. The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says
"I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown. "Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket. The clown says "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me."
The trooper says excitedly "I've got some flares in the back of my car." As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk as can be. pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks "What are you doin, son?" The man says "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test."
Mike Perry, Eden
.
A guy in a clown costume walks into a bar The bartender looks at the man and says “why the costume?”
The guy looks at the bartender and says “Oh, this is my work uniform. A wealthy nobleman pays me to wear this costume all day because he finds it to be quite entertaining.” The bartender scoffs and says “Surely you jest.”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits. At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King. The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?” The King sighed. “No, I still feel pretty down... but I certainly appreciate the Jester.”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Two clowns walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey guys where are all the other clowns that usually come with you?” One clown says, “They’re stuck in traffic. No, that’s not right, they’re stuck in a car in traffic. No, that’s not right either, they’re stuck in a car that has backed up traffic because they can’t get out of the car and the police has had to call the rescue squad to cut them out.” The other clown said, “ They were too cheap to take two cabs.”
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
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A clown walks into a bar. His body is bent and twisted and he painfully climbs on to the bar stool. The bartender asks him why he’s in such a beat up state. The clowns replies, “ I was showing off the brand new car I got for my limo service and all my clown friends wanted to go for a ride. All twenty of the them crammed themselves into it and nearly crushed me.” The bartender says, “ What kind of new car did you get?” The clown moaned, “ A Lincoln Clown car.”
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator!"
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Red Skelton's seagull friends, Gertrude and Heathcliff:
As Gertrude and Heathcliff are flying over the ocean ...
Gertrude: look down there, it’s the ship of fools.
Heathcliff: How do you know its the ship of fools?
Gertrude: They're looking up!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
BEST POEMS
“You look like you ate something funny.
“I would bet my last pile of money
“You are not a molester,
“But like showing a nice jester
“How to go for the juggler and be punny.”
Jim Ertner, Greensboro
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Hard Times
Barnum & Bailey's show has fallen on hard times;
the annual budget has gone from dollars to dimes.
As a result, the classy clown-car has been shrunk;
this econo-box compact doesn't give them a trunk.
.
The performers aren't happy with this status quo;
are beginning to wonder who's running the show.
The audience will notice the draconian cost-cuts,
especially when they get a small sack of peanuts.
.
The trapeze-artist will probably vote with his feet
after the high-wire act is moved out to the street.
Where ropes are hung between telephone poles,
and the safety-net is filled with human-size holes.
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What was billed as the Greatest Show On Earth
will struggle to convince patrons of its real worth.
Maybe it will decide to return to its famous roots,
and stop putting performers into old animal suits.
.
So the clowns will suffer the indignity of this car;
it will accommodate fewer and won't go very far.
But they'll still be huge stars in everyone's eyes
as they squirt seltzer bottles and sling their pies.
Bill Wallace
.
A small car zoomed wildly around town
Swerved up one street then back down
You could tell by the screams
It was bursting at the seams
Because it was stuffed with many a clown
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
Clowns to the right of me, Clowns to the left of me
When he said he would give me a ride
I said OK, but the next time he says that
I'm going to run home and hide.
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
Ten clowns can fit in a little car
But eleven would be a record
So Fred said "Take me, I'll do it!"
Fred squeezed in and couldn't breathe
So taking him out, he said
"Now you have to do it with ten.
Maybe next time we'll try again!"
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
At a circus, the crowds are amused
By the clowns who might act so confused.
The big question, by far.
With their tiny clown car,
How they fit with their oversized shoes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I just drove a crocodile and a gazelle to that building over there.
Sit up front with me. I have a gazelle and a crocodile in the back seat.
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
"Rickard's air-dancer convinced me to buy it."
Bill Wallace
.
"Help me Tim ! I can think of Nothing funny about this cartoon,"
Gerald A. Smith, Greensboro
I beg to differ!
.
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
"It belonged to Billy Barty."
"A Munchkin only drove it to church."
"Herve Villechaize was the previous owner."
Bill Wallace
.
"For the horn, I got the Harpo Marx special!"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point
.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE CAPTION
En Fran?ais: Visage blanc! Je t’ai toujours vu couvert de tart!
Auf Deutsch: Wie ich immer sage…Est gibt nie au viel Rouge!
Paul Davis
.
BEST/WORST PUNS
No, not a mini van, a many van.
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
Well, I'm off car shopping. I'm thinking of getting a Clown Victoria!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
"The human cannonball has been fired."
Bill Wallace
.
“It’s very fool efficient.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“No Saab story here.”
“I want a fun roof.”
Phil Valla, Greensboro
.
BEST EARWORMS
Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air....
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Don't want your love anymore
Don't want your kisses, that's for sure
I die each time I hear this sound
"Here he comes …"
Mike Perry, Eden
.
#7: "Oh yeah yeah yeah,
Now if there's a smile on my face,
It's only there trying to fool the public,
But when it comes down to fooling you,
Now honey that's quite a different subject,
.
But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression,
Really I'm sad, oh, I'm sadder than sad,
.
You're gone and I'm hurting so bad,
Like a clown I appear to be glad, sad sad sad sad.
.
Now, there are some sad things known to man,
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there's no one around, uh
Oh yeah, baby!"
...with apologies to Hank Cosby, Stevie Wonder, and Smokey Robinson & the Miracles.
.
#8: "Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move,
Where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
.
Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear,
I thought that you'd want what I want,
Sorry, my dear!
But where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here!"
...with apologies to Stephen Sondheim and Judy Collins.
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point
Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, September 2
.
Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.
.
And as always, please, no wagering.
.
Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)
.
While I continue to work from home, I won’t be in the office to accept mail-in entries. I’m afraid it’s electronic submissions only for now until further notice. I apologize for the inconvenience.
.
Last week’s cartoon was – the clown car. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – The cow and the fortune teller.
.
WINNER
“I’m going to the store. Do we need any seltzer?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
.
RUNNERS-UP
“No, not a mini van, a many van.”
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
“It’s a beautiful model, but with the kids gone, I think we should down-size!”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“This is a midsize.”
Paul Davis
.
“20-21. What’s one more??”
Mebane Ham, Greensboro
.
“Stop clowning around and get in the car!”
Susan McAbee, Eden
.
“The gas mileage stinks, but it seats thirty comfortably.”
David Core, Greensboro
.
“Yea, this baby seats 42.”
Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ
.
“I still can’t pick up girls even in my new car. Is it my hair?”
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
“Room for one more?”
Kristi Wallace, Greensboro
.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)
“It’s made from recycled sardine cans.”
Bill Wallace
.
“The garage did a good job fixing the engine. You should hear all the funny noises it makes!”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“It’s very fool efficient.”
Tim Tribbett
.
TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.
“Just two clowns in a car isn’t funny.”
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
BEAT THE CARTOONIST
When I come up with a cartoon idea, I try to think of different captions that could go with it. Here’s one I came up with that are a bit different from the ones you sent in.
I’m your clown-Uber. Just climb in the back with the other 12.
.
JR. WINNER
.
JR. RUNNERS-UP
.
THE REST
Clowns are protesting downtown. Wanna go?
Marcia Berger, GSO
.
No, not a mini van, a many van.
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
Stop clowning around and get in the car!
Susan McAbee, Eden
.
“Can I squeeze in there, I left my rabbit at home!”
Teresa Bean, Greensboro
.
I'm going to my bridge game, and I promised a ride to Betty, Delores, Anna, Jacqueline,
Irene, Sally, Wanda.....
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Jack Thornton
Now do you believe size matters?
.
What’s one more??
Mebane Ham, Greensboro
.
"The contortionist loaned us this while ours is in the shop."
"Don't laugh - I get 44 Bozos to the gallon."
"You're in the wrong profession, Paul Bunyan."
"You think this is bad? The knife-thrower got a dartboard."
"Management was serious about the budget cuts."
"We're going with 'It's a Small World' theme."
"Definitely no burritos before getting in."
"I'm Tom Thumb's chauffeur."
"We're scaling back the production this year."
"This is what happens when the low bidder gets the contract."
"It comes with a shoe-horn."
"I feel like a clown in this thing."
"You guys will be riding in a trailer."
"It's called the Sciatica Sedan."
Bill Wallace
.
Well, I'm off car shopping. I'm thinking of getting a Clown Victoria!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
You wanted a van? For us, this IS a van.
I'm going to the store. Do we need any seltzer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
.
I'm Not Cutting off My Legs so I Can Fit in that "Electric Clown Car"
Tim Staunton
.
"The Ringmaster had to rent his own tuxedo."
"How do you feel about sitting on top?"
"The human cannonball has been fired."
"The only thing that wasn't cut was ticket prices."
"It belonged to Billy Barty."
"A Munchkin only drove it to church."
"The odometer measures in yards."
"This IS the deluxe model."
"I hope you know a good chiropractor."
"It's made from recycled sardine cans."
"I'm going back to my unicycle."
"Instead of paying 15 clowns, they just got a smaller car."
Bill Wallace
.
“You can ride but promise there will be funny business.”
Tim Tribbett
.
This is the one- blue tooth connectivity, rearview camera, blind spot warning alarm, rear cross-traffic warning, and best of all, room for 56!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
It's a beautiful model, but with the kids gone, I think we should down-size!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
I got a ticket dear. I only had 24 in the car- one short of enough for the car lane.
Mike Perry, Eden
.
This car has historical significance. It was once a presidential limousine!
Mike Perry
.
The garage did a good job fixing the engine. You should hear all the funny noises it makes!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
1. I'll tell you, this car manufacturer knows NOTHING about horns.
2. I re-wired it so the headlights would do some serious squirting.
3. The big problem I have is getting my shoes on the pedals.
4. Yeah, a guy named Bozo sold it to me.
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
“What’s wrong? You don’t have a funny look on your face?”
Tim Tribbett
.
"Come in. There's always room for one more."
Harvey Herman, Greensboro
.
“Don’t be a Bozo, Vote and Vote Early!”
Deborah T. Donnell, Greensboro
.
Are we allowed to wear masks?
Peter Miller
.
Dear, this car is just too much. Now that the kids are gone, don't you think we should downsize?
Mike Perry, Eden
.
"Size does matter."
"There's not even room for my make-up kit."
"Get Ralph Nader on the phone!"
"This act will have to be solo."
"Uber's your best bet."
"You have to be this short to ride."
"My mom told me to never pick up strangers."
"How do I know you're not a serial killer?"
"That guy Gacy dressed up as a clown, too."
"I'll need to see some ID."
"It looked bigger in the showroom."
"The seating is so tight, you have to hit 'Eject' to get out."
Bill Wallace
.
1) "Does this car make me look fat?"
2) "Do you think this car makes me look fat?"
Larry Parrish, Leaksville
.
"One of our midgets went into car sales."
"Do Keto for a month and come back."
"It was Barbie's first car."
"Rickard's air-dancer convinced me to buy it."
"Her divorce lawyer was better than mine."
"Even our shoes are going to be down-sized!"
"It's the first car deliverable by Fed-Ex."
"Consumer Reports calls it the Smart Car's little brother."
"Herve Villechaize was the previous owner."
Bill Wallace
.
I won't be gone long. And when I get back, I'll slip into something more humorous!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Need a lift? I can always get one more clown in.
I generally get 10 clowns to the load.
I still can't pick up girls even in my new car. Is it my hair?
There's already 10 in here, we need one more.
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
" No problem. We put in a third seat! "
Jonathan Sparrow-Greensboro
.
“It’s very fool efficient.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“I have one balloon payment left.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“You can fit in the fool tank.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“Yeah, another ticket. I have a heavy foot.”
Tim Tribbett
.
This virus is really hurting the clown car schtick!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“I’m on a fool’s errand.”
Tim Tribbett
.
I would offer you a ride, but there's 23 others in here already.
Quit clowning around and get in the car.
Laugh if you will, but it's paid for.
David Core, Greensboro.
.
Throw in a squirting flower, or endless handkerchief, and I'll take it.
The gas mileage stinks, but it seats thirty comfortably.
David Core, Greensboro
.
I'm going over to Gina's. I asked her to sew me a covid mask three weeks ago, and she just called and said it was done.
Mike Perry, Eden
.
The athletic bus broke down, so I volunteered to take the team to the football game!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Sorry we’re full.
Let me check with the other nine guys in here and we’ll get back to you.
We’re going to need WD-40 and a crow bar.
Don’t even think about it.
Just two clowns in a car isn’t funny.
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
This car is going to need a zipper.
Sorry my insurance won’t allow over-sized clowns.
Can you fold down to the size of a spare tire?
I don’t care what Mama said you can’t ride with me and my girlfriend.
Sorry you’re going to have to take the bus.
You can ride if you sit on top.
Mister this Uber is for small clowns only
See if the elephant trainer will give you a ride.
If I could peel the top off like sardine can, you might fit.
Sorry buddy, but this is a small clown town.
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
The repairman called, so I'm off to pick up the refrigerator!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
"Cancel the ride sharing account, there's 15 in here already."
" Help me Tim ! I can think of Nothing funny about this cartoon,"
Gerald A. Smith, Greensboro
.
“ I’d trade those clown shoes for a good pair of walking shoes.”
“I’ll bring the foot powder. You might need it by the time you get there.”
“Can you spot me a $20 for gas?”
“ You might be able to catch a ride with the elephants!”
“It’s not the big top but it will do.”
“Sorry but I saved $20 on the compact.”
“Not much room but it gets good mileage.”
Rusty Morgan, Greensboro
.
Why am I leaving you? Why?? BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME DRIVE A BIGGER CAR!!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Not into social distancing? there's only eleven in here.
Rob Leggett, Madison
.
Yea, this baby seats 42.
Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ
.
C'mon there's always room for one more.
Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ
.
#1: "This is really hard, leaving home for the first time, to head off to Clown College!"
#2: "Sure! Come on in! We've got plenty of room!"
#3: "You know, if we ever get tired of clowning around, we could always become Shriners!"
#4: "My favorite football player is Jadeveon Clowney!"
#5: "You can't argue with the gas mileage I get!"
#6: "For the horn, I got the Harpo Marx special!"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point
.
Oh good! You're here. Now you can help me put up the circus tent!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
“I’m having a lot of trouble using the pedals with these shoes.”
“It’s a Laugh Rover.”
“No Saab story here.”
“I want a fun roof.”
Phil Valla, Greensboro
.
I've never seen anyone so devoid of even an ounce of professionalism. Get in!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
"Room for one more?"
"You look harmless, hop in"
"Stop clowning around and get in, we have 17 others to pick-up"
Kristi Wallace, Greensboro
.
I'm leaving you, Bill. I prefer men who don't wear makeup!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
A funny thing happened at work today.
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Sorry, I'm full up. Covid rules only permits me to have 25 in the car at a time!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
I'm sorry, John, you're just so serious all the time. So I'm leaving you for a mushroom, and believe me- he's a real fungi!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
1. This is a midsize.
2. Dad stop clowning around and get in the car.
3. We have room for 20 more, get in
4. En Fran?ais: Visage blanc! Je t’ai toujours vu couvert de tart!
5. Auf Deutsch: Wie ich immer sage…Est gibt nie au viel Rouge!
Paul Davis
.
“You should have seen the economy version.”
Tim Tribbett
.
Okay, one more time, That's 15 bags of dog food, 136 cans of oyster stew, 7 sides of beef,
22 gallons of milk, various sundries and a lollipop. Is that all?
Mike Perry, Eden
.
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)
.
THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding. The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says
"I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown. "Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket. The clown says "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me."
The trooper says excitedly "I've got some flares in the back of my car." As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk as can be. pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks "What are you doin, son?" The man says "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test."
Mike Perry, Eden
.
A guy in a clown costume walks into a bar The bartender looks at the man and says “why the costume?”
The guy looks at the bartender and says “Oh, this is my work uniform. A wealthy nobleman pays me to wear this costume all day because he finds it to be quite entertaining.” The bartender scoffs and says “Surely you jest.”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits. At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King. The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?” The King sighed. “No, I still feel pretty down... but I certainly appreciate the Jester.”
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Two clowns walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey guys where are all the other clowns that usually come with you?” One clown says, “They’re stuck in traffic. No, that’s not right, they’re stuck in a car in traffic. No, that’s not right either, they’re stuck in a car that has backed up traffic because they can’t get out of the car and the police has had to call the rescue squad to cut them out.” The other clown said, “ They were too cheap to take two cabs.”
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
A clown walks into a bar. His body is bent and twisted and he painfully climbs on to the bar stool. The bartender asks him why he’s in such a beat up state. The clowns replies, “ I was showing off the brand new car I got for my limo service and all my clown friends wanted to go for a ride. All twenty of the them crammed themselves into it and nearly crushed me.” The bartender says, “ What kind of new car did you get?” The clown moaned, “ A Lincoln Clown car.”
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator!"
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Red Skelton's seagull friends, Gertrude and Heathcliff:
As Gertrude and Heathcliff are flying over the ocean ...
Gertrude: look down there, it’s the ship of fools.
Heathcliff: How do you know its the ship of fools?
Gertrude: They're looking up!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
BEST POEMS
“You look like you ate something funny.
“I would bet my last pile of money
“You are not a molester,
“But like showing a nice jester
“How to go for the juggler and be punny.”
Jim Ertner, Greensboro
.
Hard Times
Barnum & Bailey's show has fallen on hard times;
the annual budget has gone from dollars to dimes.
As a result, the classy clown-car has been shrunk;
this econo-box compact doesn't give them a trunk.
.
The performers aren't happy with this status quo;
are beginning to wonder who's running the show.
The audience will notice the draconian cost-cuts,
especially when they get a small sack of peanuts.
.
The trapeze-artist will probably vote with his feet
after the high-wire act is moved out to the street.
Where ropes are hung between telephone poles,
and the safety-net is filled with human-size holes.
.
What was billed as the Greatest Show On Earth
will struggle to convince patrons of its real worth.
Maybe it will decide to return to its famous roots,
and stop putting performers into old animal suits.
.
So the clowns will suffer the indignity of this car;
it will accommodate fewer and won't go very far.
But they'll still be huge stars in everyone's eyes
as they squirt seltzer bottles and sling their pies.
Bill Wallace
.
A small car zoomed wildly around town
Swerved up one street then back down
You could tell by the screams
It was bursting at the seams
Because it was stuffed with many a clown
Roy Forrest, Whitsett
.
Clowns to the right of me, Clowns to the left of me
When he said he would give me a ride
I said OK, but the next time he says that
I'm going to run home and hide.
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
Ten clowns can fit in a little car
But eleven would be a record
So Fred said "Take me, I'll do it!"
Fred squeezed in and couldn't breathe
So taking him out, he said
"Now you have to do it with ten.
Maybe next time we'll try again!"
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
At a circus, the crowds are amused
By the clowns who might act so confused.
The big question, by far.
With their tiny clown car,
How they fit with their oversized shoes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I just drove a crocodile and a gazelle to that building over there.
Sit up front with me. I have a gazelle and a crocodile in the back seat.
Joey Pellino, Reidsville
.
"Rickard's air-dancer convinced me to buy it."
Bill Wallace
.
"Help me Tim ! I can think of Nothing funny about this cartoon,"
Gerald A. Smith, Greensboro
I beg to differ!
.
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
"It belonged to Billy Barty."
"A Munchkin only drove it to church."
"Herve Villechaize was the previous owner."
Bill Wallace
.
"For the horn, I got the Harpo Marx special!"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point
.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE CAPTION
En Fran?ais: Visage blanc! Je t’ai toujours vu couvert de tart!
Auf Deutsch: Wie ich immer sage…Est gibt nie au viel Rouge!
Paul Davis
.
BEST/WORST PUNS
No, not a mini van, a many van.
Martha Eakes, Greensboro
.
Well, I'm off car shopping. I'm thinking of getting a Clown Victoria!
Mike Perry, Eden
.
"The human cannonball has been fired."
Bill Wallace
.
“It’s very fool efficient.”
Tim Tribbett
.
“No Saab story here.”
“I want a fun roof.”
Phil Valla, Greensboro
.
BEST EARWORMS
Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air....
Mike Perry, Eden
.
Don't want your love anymore
Don't want your kisses, that's for sure
I die each time I hear this sound
"Here he comes …"
Mike Perry, Eden
.
#1: "This is really hard, leaving home for the first time, to head off to Clown College!"
#2: "Sure! Come on in! We've got plenty of room!"
#3: "You know, if we ever get tired of clowning around, we could always become Shriners!"
#4: "My favorite football player is Jadeveon Clowney!"
#5: "You can't argue with the gas mileage I get!"
#6: "For the horn, I got the Harpo Marx special!"
#7: "Oh yeah yeah yeah,
Now if there's a smile on my face,
It's only there trying to fool the public,
But when it comes down to fooling you,
Now honey that's quite a different subject,
.
But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression,
Really I'm sad, oh, I'm sadder than sad,
.
You're gone and I'm hurting so bad,
Like a clown I appear to be glad, sad sad sad sad.
.
Now, there are some sad things known to man,
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there's no one around, uh
Oh yeah, baby!"
...with apologies to Hank Cosby, Stevie Wonder, and Smokey Robinson & the Miracles.
.
#8: "Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move,
Where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
.
Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear,
I thought that you'd want what I want,
Sorry, my dear!
But where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here!"
...with apologies to Stephen Sondheim and Judy Collins.
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point
The Link LonkAugust 28, 2020 at 08:00PM
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The Joke's on You for 082820 - Greensboro News & Record
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