JOKES
It’d be the understatement of understatements to say this past year has been tough. It’s been real tough.
Not a lot of laughs.
A pandemic. An insurrection. Political division.
Oh, and hurricane season started too.
That entirely aside, slowly but surely, things really are improving. Business is picking up. Masks are coming off. Music is playing again — actual real deal live music. People are gathering to enjoy each other’s company again. And some are even telling jokes.
That’s where we come in. Welcome to the 2021 Florida Weekly Jokes Edition.
Yes, it’s OK. It’s time to laugh again.
We asked around for folks to tell us their favorite jokes, and if they didn’t have a favorite joke, we invited them to tell a dumb joke. While about 50% of the jokes we gathered — though pretty funny — were not, well, printable in this publication for certain reasons, there are still plenty of good ones for us to share with you here.
Are you ready to laugh?
A woman named Sylvia passes away and sees her neighbor and best friend, Wanda, in the afterlife.
Sylvia: Hi, Wanda!
Wanda: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
Sylvia: I froze to death.
Wanda: How horrible!
Sylvia: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Sylvia: So, what happened?
Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Sylvia: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.
— Lynn Matthews, mayor of Punta Gorda
I was sitting in the park contemplating why a Frisbee looks bigger as it flies closer to you. Then it hit me.
— Bill Taylor, artistic director, Theatre Conspiracy
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins, saying, “When I found a bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him. ”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t h av e started with the circumcision?”
— Karen Amador, director of donor development, Virginia B. Andes Volunteer Community Clinic
I bought a head of lettuce from The Mamas & The Papas Grocery Store. Got home and guess what? All the leaves are brown.
— Anonymous
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it …
— Anonymous
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good, but there’s no atmosphere.
— Anonymous
Father O’Malley answers the phone in the parish.
A man asks, “Is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is!” the priest says.
The voice at the other end says, “This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?”
“I’ll try,” says the father.
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he really donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will!”
— Don Abbott, founder, Abbott Productions
Q: If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Really big hands.
— Greg Longenhagen, artistic director, Florida Repertory Theatre
Q: Why couldn’t the Empire find the Rebel’s base?
A: They were looking in Alderaan places.
— Anonymous
Q: What kind of dog doesn’t bark? A: A hush puppy.
— Anonymous
My first job interview was for being a professional mirror cleaner. I wish I’d have gotten hired because it was a job I could really see myself doing.
A woman was playing golf and teed off. To her horror, the ball went straight for a man who was playing at the next hole. It struck him, and he clasped his hands and brought them to his groin as he collapsed in agony.
The woman dashed over and apologized profusely.
“You know,” she said, “I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I can help you.”
The man declined, saying he was sure he’d be all right in a few minutes. But the woman persisted. Still writhing in pain, the man finally accepted her offer of assistance.
The woman unbuckled the man’s belt, unzipped his fly and put her hands inside his pants, where she began a gentle and skillful massage.
After several minutes, she asked,
“How does that feel?”
“Fantastic!” the man replied enthusiastically.
“Yes, but is it easing the pain?” the woman inquired.
“Not really,” the man said. “My thumb’s still broken.”
— Bob Massey, editor, Charlotte County Florida Weekly
Q: What does a nosy pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business.
— Molly Deckart, executive director, Alliance for the Arts
My English teacher wife was nagging me again.
“You still haven’t cleaned these dishes,” she complained.
To which I said, “Would you please change the subject?”
She replied, “These dishes still haven’t been cleaned by you.”
— Anonymous
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No, ma’am. They’re all dead.”
— Don Abbott, founder, Abbott Productions
I don’t know what all the fuss is about James Bond. He wasn’t even a good secret agent. Someone managed to film everything he did.
— Anonymous
Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A “fsh.”
— Anonymous
I just bought a thesaurus and discovered that all of the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
— Anonymous
Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
A: If they fell forwards, then they’d still be in the boat.
— Danielle Steele, administrative coordinator, Alliance for the Arts
A senior couple came into a restaurant, and ordered a single hamburger platter. When their order came, the man divided their hamburger in half, counted out the fries evenly, and split the coleslaw.
A young man saw this and was so touched that he asked the couple if he could treat them to another meal.
They thanked him but said they had been wed for more than 50 years — and the secret to the longevity of their marriage is that they always split everything 50-50.
The man asked why the wife was the only one eating.
The husband replied, “It’s her turn to use my teeth.”
— Roger Dickinson
To the person who stole my anti-depressants: I hope you’re happy now.
— Bill Taylor, artistic director, Theatre Conspiracy
A 90-year-old man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, my 18-year-old wife is expecting a baby.”
The doctor said, “Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear and killed it.”
The man said, “Impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear.”
The doctor said, “My point exactly.”
— Anonymous
A man was fishing when he was approached by a man in uniform.
“Catching any?” the man in uniform asked.
“About 20.”
“Nice. Do you know who I am?”
“Nope.”
“I’m the game warden.”
“Know who I am?” the fisherman asked.
“Nope.”
“I’m the biggest liar who ever fished this lake.”
— Anonymous
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A fish.
— Adam Trummel, technical director, Theatre Conspiracy
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s silence — followed by a gunshot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
— Karen Amador, director of donor development, Virginia B. Andes Volunteer Community Clinic
My girlfriend’s dog died. So, to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid.
She said, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
— Anonymous
Missing persons register — or is it just a list of Hide and Seek champions?
— Anonymous
I can give you the leading cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.
— Anonymous
A man finds a lamp, rubs it three times and releases a genie.
“I will grant you one wish,” says the genie. “What is thy bidding, Master?”
“I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter,” the man says.
The genie scoffs.
“Foolish mortal! That is not possible — even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous. Please wish for something else.”
The man thinks for a moment.
“Hmmm. Then I wish that I could actually understand women.”
The genie replies, “Do you want two lanes or four?”
— Dan Mearns, marketing specialist, Charlotte State Bank & Trust; treasurer, Charlotte Players
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “I’ll have five beers, please.”
— Danielle Steele, administrative coordinator, Alliance for the Arts
Q: How many New Jersey Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three — one to change it, one to witness it, and one to shoot the witness.
— Bob Massey, editor, Charlotte County Florida Weekly
Two Irishmen were sitting next to each other at a pub in London.
After a while, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland”
The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first one responds, “So am I!”
“Mother Mary and begorrah. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”
The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 me own self!”
Overhearing the exchange, the barman says to himself, “By all that’s holy, it’s going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
— Anonymous
The longest drum solo ever was 10 hours and 26 minutes. It was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from L.A. to Tokyo.
— Anonymous
If anyone wants some copies of Osteopath Monthly, I have some back issues.
— Anonymous
A customer walks into a vacuum cleaner store.
“Ma’am, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half,” says the salesman.
The customer says, “Terrific! Give me two of ’em.”
— Anonymous
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
— Karen Amador, director of donor development, Virginia B. Andes Volunteer Community Clinic
A man told his friend, “The doctor told me I’d be dead in a week if I didn’t stop chasing women.”
“Why would he say that?”
“His wife was one of the women I was chasing.”
— Anonymous
Heard at a funeral:
“Just look at him in that coffin. I can’t believe he’s dead. He appears so healthy.”
“Why shouldn’t he? He just came back from Florida.”
— Anonymous
“I’m so happy. They found land on my Florida property!”
— Anonymous
Little Billy and his grandfather were down by the creek, fishing. The boy asks, “Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?”
“Gee, I am afraid can’t,” replies the grandfather.
The boy’s head lowers in disappointment.
“Why is it so important for me to make a noise like a frog?” the grandfather asks.
The boy says, “’Cause my dad said that when you croak, we get to go to Hawaii!”
— Don Abbott, founder, Abbott Productions
A doctor tells a woman that she has six months to live.
“Is there anything I can do?” she asks.
“Yes, there is,” the doctor replies. “You could marry a tax accountant.”
“But how will that help my illness?”
The doctor says, “Oh, it won’t help your illness. But it will make those six months seem like an eternity.”
— Anonymous
An elderly Irish lady went to see her doctor.
“My husband’s just not interested in sex anymore, Doctor. But my flame isn’t yet burned out. Is there something I can give him to, you know, spark things up?”
The doctor suggested Viagra.
“No good,” the woman said. “I can’t even get the man to take an aspirin, so pills are out.”
“Does your husband drink coffee?” the doctor asked.
When the woman said yes, the doctor smiled.
“Well, then, problem solved. What he needs is a little Irish Viagra.”
“I never heard of that,” the woman said. “What is it?”
“It’s simple,” the doctor replied. “All you do is take regular Viagra and put it in his coffee. It will dissolve, and he won’t even taste it.”
So he wrote the woman a prescription and sent her on her way.
The woman called the doctor the very next day.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, Doctor, it was terrible — terrible!” the old woman lamented. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”
“What happened?” the doctor inquired. “Didn’t it work?”
“Work?” the woman said. “I did exactly what you said, and it worked almost immediately. My husband stood up with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and a bulge in his pants. He jumped across the table and sent the cups and saucers and coffee flying everywhere. Then he ripped off my clothes, laid me out on the table, and took me passionately right there.”
The doctor was puzzled.
“Was the sex not good?”
“Not good!” the woman burst out. “It was the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life!”
“Then why is that a problem?” the doctor asked.
“Because,” the woman said, “I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again.”
— Bob Massey, editor, Charlotte County Florida Weekly
A guy decided to go to a neighborhood diner for Christmas breakfast, and ordered the eggs Benedict.
A few minutes later, the waitress brought him his meal on a hubcap.
“A hubcap?” he asked incredulously. “Why?”
“Well,” the waitress replied, “there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”
— Anonymous
A city boy is being led through the swamps by his Cracker cousin.
“Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” asks the city boy.
His cousin replies, “Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”
— Anonymous
Q: What’s the difference between God and a doctor?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a doctor.
— Steve Lineberry, owner, Premier Photographic Events
The telephone rings at the Jones house. A little boy answers and says in a low whisper, “Hello?”
“Is your mother there?” asks the man on the other end of the phone.
The boy replies, “She’s outside with the police.”
“The police? Where is your father?”
“He’s outside with the firemen.”
“Are your brothers or sisters at home?”
“No, they are outside with the sheriff. ”
The man is stunned, and asks, “What is everyone doing?”
The little boy, still whispering, says, “They’re looking for me.”
— Don Abbott, founder, Abbott Productions
A woman and her friend go to the police to report that the woman’s husband has disappeared.
“He’s 6 foot 3, well built and has thick, curly hair.”
Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is 5 feet tall, bald and he has a huge belly.”
The woman replies, “Why would I want that one back?”
— Anonymous
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she said in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
To which her husband responded, “I found the remote.”
— Karen Amador, director of donor development, Virginia B. Andes Volunteer Community Clinic
A man said, “My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.”
His friend said, “Wow, that’s prophetic! How did it come to him?”
The man replied, “The judge told him.”
— Anonymous
A Frenchman walks into a bar, and he has a parrot wearing a tuxedo perched on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “Wow, he’s cute. Where did you get him?”
The parrot says, “In France — they got a million guys like him over there.”
— Anonymous
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it…”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of BA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
“Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”
He said: “Who the hell did your hair?”
A Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park during Passover. A blind man sits down next to him on the bench, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch — a piece of matzo.
The blind man takes it, fingers it for a moment and says, “Who writes this junk?”
— Anonymous
Q: How do you stop a nun from having hiccups? A: Tell her she’s pregnant.
— Anonymous
A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife hit him with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name ‘Betty’ on it that I found in your trouser pocket.”
The man said, “When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.”
The wife apologized and went on with her housework.
Three days later, the man was watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan. Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she hit him again.
The wife replied, “Your horse phoned.”
— Don Abbott, founder, Abbott Productions ¦
The Link LonkJune 23, 2021 at 01:00PM
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