Note: Sorry for the suspense. I tested negative. The doctor says I will play the piano again. That’s funny, I never could before … )
(Just get on with it, Craig.)
However, while I’m doing fine, in a gruesome collision with over-sensitivity, America suffered a compound fracture of its funny bone.
Doubt me? Try to tell a joke…
A man walks into a bar.
(What? Women aren’t allowed in your bar?)
OK, a woman walks into a bar.
(Sorry. That’s exclusionary. Aren’t trans people allowed in your bar?)
OK, Fine! A person walks into a bar.
(Is this person white? I bet so. You’re such a racist!)
OK, I can still make this work. A completely nondescript human being walks into a bar …
(I don’t know… Your person walking into a bar glorifies alcoholism and addiction. They’re diseases, you know? Or do you want people to be diseased?)
OK. A nondescript human being walks into a business, and this person has a frog growing out of the top of their head.
(When you kidnapped that frog from its home, did you make sure it isn’t endangered? I bet not. And what if your frog had tadpoles. Did you once consider the poor, orphaned tadpoles? And what about the other animals in and around the pond, that depend on this frog to maintain balance in their ecosystem? You hate animals, don’t you? You’re so heartless!)
It’s a joke, dang it! But if you’re going to be sensitive, how about we make it a stuffed frog?
(Studies show abusing stuffed animals inspires children to abuse real animals, but go ahead with your quote-unquote joke.)
OK, where was I? Oh, yeah, the proprietor of the business says, “How the heck did that happen?”
(That’s a bit rude, isn’t it? Is your proprietor always so intrusive? I dare say with rudeness like that, the business in question isn’t going to stay in business very long. Wait a minute! I know what you’re up to. You’re a socialist, aren’t you? You’re trying to portray all business owners as evil, greedy, entitled monsters. You hate America, don’t you? In fact, I bet this little story of yours never happened. I bet it’s fake news, designed to vilify hard working American business owners. You want America to fail.)
Again, it’s a joke. But if you insist, the proprietor says, “Excuse me, why is that stuffed frog growing out of your head?”
“Well,” the stuffed frog says.
(Oh, so now you’re lying to children, making them think stuffed animals can talk. You hate children, too?)
Again, it’s a joke! Will you please let me finish?
(Sheesh! No need to get snippy. Go ahead, you sexist, homophobic, trans-phobic America-hating, children-hating, orphaner of tadpoles. Finish your joke.)
“Well,” the stuffed frog says. “It started out as a pimple on my hiney.”
(Have you no sense of decency, man? Have you no sense of shame? I’ll have you know my beloved Aunt Tilly, rest her sainted soul, suffered mightily with pimples on her hiney! I hope you get pimples on your hiney. Maybe then you won’t tell quote-unquote jokes about this horrible affliction. This is so typical of you elite media types. Looking down your privileged noses at poor souls with pimples on their backsides. Ha, ha, ha! That stuffed frog has a human-sized and shaped pimple on it’s rump. What a laugh! Everyone who’s the slightest bit odd is fair game in your world, aren’t they? And worst of all, you cast aspersions on hard-working American business owners! Well, I’ll have you know we love America and all the different, people in it. Long may her banner wave. But I bet you have a problem with the flag, too, don’t you? What’s next? You gonna try to insinuate the flag has pimples, too?)
Craig Carter is an Ontario resident and can be reached in care of The Argus Observer, 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario, OR 97914. The views and opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of the Argus Observer.
July 08, 2020 at 07:00AM
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